Week One, Leaving without saying goodbye.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this, I mean it’s not as if anyone will ever read it is it?  All the people I know, my brother, my parents, even my friends think I’m dead or worse.  I can’t help wondering what they’d think if they knew the truth, that for making one small mistake, playing a stupid game of dares and taking the wrong air duct I’ve been banished, driven from my home under threat of death if I ever try to go back.  I’ve thought about it you know, trying to get back in to the city after all, what have I got to look forward to here?  Loneliness, starvation, being mauled by some wild animal maybe yet despite that, I can’t do it.  Sure being in the open terrifies me, it would terrify you too if all you’d ever known were concrete corridors with metal ceilings instead of open skies, strip-lights of bright white neon instead of sunlight but death? The thought of that scares me more.  I suppose if you’re reading this then maybe the city isn’t something you’re familiar with, maybe you’ve never been inside one, didn’t even know they existed until you found my pad and started reading.  That’s a strange thought you know, that my whole world until now could be secret, hidden away forgotten while above the world slowly recovered from the war.  I’m not sure I even believe that happened you know, I mean before today I accepted totally everything I learned in history, the great war, the bombs, the radiation, the poisoning of the earth until life on the surface was impossible  or at least so changed and mutated that us humans wouldn’t be able to survive.  That’s part of city life you know, accepting everything you’re told by anyone with any authority, parents, teachers, the security men, the mayor, maybe that’s why I didn’t ever feel like I fitted in.  I remember my mum telling me that ‘why’ would be the death of me, that I should be a good citizen like her and dad and make more effort to fit myself in to the slot I’d been assigned at birth.  That sounds wrong you know, it’s not like we were born with no choice at all as to what we could do when we reached adulthood, just that as a menial, someone born to the mid-levels of the city rather than the top or even heaven forbid the bottom I was expected to do two things, get married and have a child.  Beyond that it didn’t really matter, I could work in the school or the hospital, maybe clean if I didn’t have the aptitude or the social skills needed to butter up my betters, no one cared.  As long as I kept my head down, avoided annoying the security and played the role of good little wifey I’d be allowed to live a long and peaceful life.

I guess it sounds like I hated it there, being trapped under tones of concrete and bound by social conventions that stifled any creativity or original thought but the truth is I didn’t, it was home.  Sure I found it frustrating, who wouldn’t?  No one likes being told what to do all the time, what to wear, when to be somewhere or even who from a limited pool of candidates they could marry but at least I was safe.  I had friends, a family, even in my own limited way ambitions.  Sure I couldn’t help pushing boundaries, certainly  the security guys on our level knew me by name but I was always careful not to go too far just in case.  Like everyone else I believed the sermons about god punishing us for our wickedness (people that is, not me in particular) and the stories we were fed about the dead world above.  I gave thanks every evening that my family had a home where they were protected, where the monsters and poison couldn’t reach them and despite my childhood dreams of wandering the surface, exploring forgotten ruins and finding hidden treasures from the time before the bombs that would somehow magically make life in the cities better for everyone I never really wanted to leave, after all, why would I?    Would you? 

I guess the obvious question now is why?  How did I go from moderately good citizen to outcast?  Did I commit some act of treason so terrible the mayor was left with no choice but to cast me out for the good of the city as a whole?  Maybe I sabotaged the water or the power or even tampered with hospital supplies?  Honestly, I wish I had.  If I’d done something, bought harm to my friends and family I could understand why those who ruled our little enclosed world would chose such a fate for someone like me but the truth is I didn’t deserve it.  I haven’t hurt anyone, caused any damage or even said, written or otherwise expressed subversive ideals.  All I did was take a wrong turn in an air duct and open a hatch.  Now yes, I know we shouldn’t have been crawling around in the ducts, I mean I’m 19, old enough to know better but I was playing with my little brother who at only 8 really isn’t.  With mum in the hospital in the later stages of a wasting disease that even the best doctors we could afford couldn’t really treat and dad either working or by her side someone had to look after John and since I’d finished studying and had a few weeks before starting my first real job that someone was me.   You might have guessed that as far as entertainment went, not much existed for children, especially young ones and john was certainly not the only kid from our level to play hide and seek in the air con ducts, I’d played it myself when younger and knew quite a bit of the system, or at least I thought I did.  Although I wasn’t a child anymore, I’d stayed pretty small, only 5’4 though athletic tending towards stocky rather than skinny.  Either way I still fitted in the pipes and could follow my smaller, faster brother as he clambered along one of the main ducts before dropping in to a side shaft that led towards the system hub.  Determined not to lose sight of him and acutely aware of the consequences if I did, I pursued him until he managed to find a way in to one of the sub systems that vented air in to the heat exchangers near the outer walls of the city.  The pipe he disappeared in to was far too small for me but ran parallel to a slightly wider one which wasn’t.  I followed this new pipe, waiting for it to intersect with Johns’ but it didn’t, instead it ran arrow straight for longer than any other pipe I’d ever known.  Also, I could tell from the effort it was taking me to slide along that unlike most of the pipes which ran perfectly horizontal above the different levels of the city, this one sloped upwards.  It was only when I reached the end and found an access hatch I realised why.

Ok, a little helpful information about our system might be useful here.  Each floor has it’s own system of ducts running above and in the ceilings.  The air from one level doesn’t mix with the air from another until you reach the upright columns where it’s sent to the exchangers to be scrubbed and cleaned before being pumped back in to the system.  This is designed to prevent airborne disease spreading throughout the city and to make locking down each level in an emergency far easier.  Access to the uprights is strictly forbidden and no one ever tries to climb in or out of them.  The pipe I’d found was odd in that it seemed to run almost separate to the rest of the system, only linked to other pipes here and there by fist sized vents and these  were rare at best.  Stranger still, the air in the pipe seemed stale, hardly moving, odd given how large it was.  Eventually I found a hatch which rather than being on the side as was usually the case, was mounted on top and instead of allowing me to escape, lead to an upright which luckily had a ladder fixed to one side. Reluctantly, I climbed the ladder, sure that when I finally managed to get out I’d find myself somewhere on the top level of the city and most definitely in the worst trouble I could imagine getting in to.  In the end, I was half right.  Reaching the top of the pipe after a longer than expected climb on a ladder coated in rust and what looked like moss I reached a hatch sealed with a wheel and two heavy clamps that took all my strength to unclip.  Now I’m sure I know what you’re thinking.  I probably should have climbed back down the ladder, back along the pipe and got out before anyone caught me and yes, I probably should have but truthfully, I’d never seen a hatch like this one before and curiosity got the better of me. 

Pushing it open and backwards I climbed out of the shaft and found myself in what felt like the largest room I’d ever been in though it was too dark to make out any details.  The torch I carried only threw out a weak pencil beam, good for navigating narrow pipes, useless for lighting up large areas though it did mean I could see odd, shadowy shapes lurking in the gloom.  On one wall I could see pinpricks of lights, different coloured L.E.D’s that blinked rhythmically.  Leaving the hatch open, I made my way across towards them, tripping several times on snaking cables or unrecognisable piles of debris.  Eventually I reached the far wall but all I could see was a bank of dials and switches with broken glass and missing needles.  A couple of monitors towards one end still worked but all they displayed were lines of faint green text that made no sense. Although I didn’t know where I was, I had a feeling this room although connected to, wasn’t part of the city and that I was the first person to see it for quite some time.  For a moment, I was a little girl again, dreaming of excavating lost cities for treasure before it dawned on me that getting caught in here was obviously a really bad idea.  I tried to retrace my steps and find the hatch but I must have missed it and instead got lost in a maze of odd shaped vehicles, tanks, cars and lorries if I remember correctly from the few pre war movies I’d seen though judging from what I could see of them in the pale glow of my torch, these vehicles were never going to move again.  Each was missing tires or wheels and most had cracked and rusty paintwork, clear signs that no one had come to service or tend to them for quite some time.

Knowing that the hatch was in the floor, I reasoned that there must be a door somewhere that would lead to the city since this room was obviously some kind of depot or warehouse that had simply fallen out of use so I went back to wall with the lights on and followed it until I reached a corner.  Carefully, using my hands, I felt my way along, searching the shape of a doorframe or a change in texture that would signify some kind of exit but this wall was blank was almost featureless except for irregular shelves that felt soft and spongy to my touch.  Eventually, it was on the third wall that I found one and hesitating for only a moment, I pushed it open.   Honestly I’d been hoping for a corridor, or maybe an office, even another warehouse, this one lit and filled with hum of people working.   I’d certainly expected to be told off, shouted at by some irate foremen who would tell me I shouldn’t be there before dragging me along to the nearest security office for a severe telling off.  What I hadn’t expected was what I found.   The first thing I noticed was that it was old, probably built around the same time as the warehouse and not used for about as long I guessed, judging by the broken glass, faded walls and missing roof.  Yes, that’s right, the roof was missing and above me for the first time I saw Sky, real sky filled with clouds and sunlight.  It took a moment to register since the sky I’d always imagined above our safe, hive-like city was a burning red, lit by the flames of thousands of nuclear fires burning and polluting everything around them.  The regular hellfire and brimstone sermons shouted to us by red faced preachers every seventh day spoke of a world turned black as wickedness was scorched from its’ surface by a vengeful god while us lucky few were given sanctuary in the womb of the city (their words not mine!)  You can understand then why it was so hard for me to accept the evidence of my eyes, the truth that maybe once the world had burned but now it lived and instead of scorched and blasted rock I found myself looking at a field of green, unripe corn undulating in the gentle breeze while in the distance, trees reached for the horizon.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” a voice said quietly behind me.   I turned, stunned at the realisation I wasn't alone.  Smiling at my shock, the Mayor shook his head and sighed before fixing me with a look of sorrow and pity.

“How did you find me?” I asked

“The hatch you opened set off an alarm which in turn alerted my office that maintenance hatch had been disturbed, one that had no business being opened.  We sent a drone up with a camera and it followed you.  I found you stumbling in the dark quite amusing” he grinned.  I admit I found myself disliking him, a feeling fully justified now in my opinion. “At any rate once you found your way in to this building my staff and I felt we had to act lest you manage somehow to find your way back inside.”

“You shut the hatch on me didn't you?” I asked, angrily.  He nodded.

“Of course.  Though in fairness, you know the ventilation system is off limits for a reason” he added reasonably.  “Incidentally, the hatch you used is now sealed for good, no one else will follow you.”

“So what happens now?”

“Well I can’t very well have you come back in to the city and tell everyone the surface isn’t the blasted wasteland they believe it to be can I?”

“I won’t say anything” I promised, aware that the here guards with him had all drawn their guns.  I had a sinking feeling that what had started out as innocent exploration had become much more serious and it dawned on me that the mayor didn’t mean for me to leave the building alive.

“I know” he nodded.  “However I can hardly take the chance can I?  What do you think would happen if the people below decided they wanted to live on the surface?”

“Surely that’s their choice, their right” I replied.  The mayor just shook his head.

“In an ideal world yes but here’s the thing.  The city functions because the people are controlled; they believe that we, the ruling class are looking out for them.  They are happy that they have security, a place in the world and so the system works.  If they believe they can leave when they wish then everything would break down, we would have anarchy and besides, they don’t know how to survive on the surface do they?  They don’t have houses or factories, no food supply, how would they live?  Are you going to show them?  Do you know how?”

I shook my head.

“Of course you don’t, that’s my point.  Why let them leave when all they will find is suffering.  I don’t keep the city closed because it pleases me to do so but out of compassion for my people, out of the sense of duty I feel for their welfare.”

“What about my welfare?” I challenged him, nodding towards the weapons that pointed neither towards nor away from me.

“Well” he said, sucking air through his teeth thoughtfully.  “I can’t let you return yet I’m inclined to be merciful too.  I think in your case banishment is the best course of action.  It’s not necessary to kill you yet, not unless we catch you trying to sneak back in of course, you understand that surely?”

“So instead you’ll let me die out here?” I hissed.  “What about radiation, or animals?”

“What about them?  Truthfully, there are places where I wouldn't linger if you still want children or to live to old age but most of the land is now safe enough and as for animals, most of the more dangerous ones died out when the bombs went off.  Give up if you like or survive, the choice is yours.  We might watch you occasionally, maybe even send aid every now and then though I shouldn't count on it if I were you.

“So there really was a war?”

“Yes there was, that’s why the city was built.  To house and save the best and brightest of the time.”

“Are there more like it?” I asked, a plan forming.

“Perhaps, I’m not inclined to answer that though.  I don’t imagine if there were they’d appreciate subversive elements from outside upsetting the balance just as I don’t.” 

There was a sharpness to his tone and I sensed the conversation was coming to an end.

“You may take what you like from the warehouse, there may be some useful equipment in there though most of it is hundreds of years old.  My guards will stay with you tonight since the day is almost over and I wouldn't want to send you out totally unprepared in to the night.  That would be… uncivilised.”

“What about my family?”

“They will be told that you died in the vents trying to find your brother and that your body was burned in an upright flue that you accidentally fell in to while traversing a junction.  It will serve as a warning to other children to stay out of the ducts in future.”

He turned away, bored now and began to walk off.

“I’d get a good nights sleep” he called over his shoulder.  “I imagine tomorrow will prove exhausting.”

The guards for their part were courteous, polite and even allowed me to eat from their ration packs.  One told me they’d expected to have to spend several nights outside hunting for whatever had set the alarm off hence the extra equipment they carried.  One, Simon if I remember correctly even gave me his lighter, slipping it in to my back pocket as he escorted me inside for my final night above my former home.  I thought at the time he was just groping me and my last words to him were unnecessarily harsh.  I think he liked me and I wish now I’d offered to share my camp bed with him.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not easy or anything but I don’t know when I’d going to get human company again let alone intimacy and it would be good to have a recent memory to stave off the loneliness. They led me back to the storage room and set up a camp bed with a battery light for me to sleep on.  Eventually I drifted off though the dreams I had were far from pleasant.

The next morning, I found the warehouse lights on and under the watchful gaze of the guards explored the contents thoroughly.  Almost everything was worn, rusted or rotted though I did find a knife that was still just about serviceable and a vacuum sealed box with a flask that would hold water.  Reluctantly, I gave the room one last glance and head high walked out through the door, refusing to look back at the three men regarding me with expression of pity and sadness. 

So now you know a bit about me and my past.  I won’t describe what I look like just yet, after all, I don’t know how long I’ll be up here, how many of these entries I’ll manage to write and besides, a little mystery is good right?  I’d like to think there will be many more, that I’m strong enough to survive up here on my own but the truth is being alone beneath an open sky scares me more than anything ever has.  Every time I look up I feel my head start to spin and the ground beneath my feet seems to sway.  I find myself looking for walls to lean on but there aren’t any.  I’ve tried leaning against a tree and willing the feeling to pass but it doesn’t work, the trees themselves seem to move and the sound of the wind in the leaves, rustling only makes it worse.  I know it shouldn’t, after all at least that’s a sound I know from movies and the audio drama’s my parents used to borrow for me from the central archive but the realness of  it all is too much, Before, if something scared me there was a pause button or even a stop but here, in the real world it’s all around me, open space, open sky and the quiet, oh god the quiet.  Unless you’ve grown up in a city with the constant drone of voices and the hum of overworked air con struggling to keep thousands of sweating, working people cool and breathing you can’t imagine how unsettling it can be to find that noise gone, replaced only by the faint sound of things in the bushes and branches above me and the rustling leaves.   The only good thing is that I haven’t actually thrown up yet despite feeling sick for most of the last few hours.  My body at least seems to want to hold on to what food I managed to eat which I guess is a plus since I don’t know when or what I’m going to be able to eat in the near future.  For all I know the stories of radiation could be true and I could be dying right now, the cells in my body failing but I don’t think so, I mean surely if just being outside could kill me there wouldn’t be so much life out here already?  I mean the trees don’t look unhealthy or strange, they look pretty much how I’ve always thought they would, brown trunks with green canopies like the parasols some of the more upmarket café’s used to have over their tables back home.  I never understood that you know; why they needed them underground.  I did ask once but the only answer I got was ‘tradition’.  I guess they meant back before the war when they needed them for people sitting outside. Damn, I’m thinking about the city again already, I’m going to have to stop myself doing that or I’ll drive myself nuts.

 At least it’s still light for now.  I mean it’s darker than when they made me leave but not actually dark.  I’m hoping I’ll find that easier, that it will make the world seem smaller but  I’m not holding my breath,  The truth is I remember the warehouse and the darkness in there I how scared that made me and I can’t imagine that being under the night sky will be any easier.  I’ll let you know.

Laura